Yuks from Yakima: Preacher Retires at 32

Note: This is the third of a four-part series of true, church-related humor. These are true, unembellished stories that occurred while we were pastoring the Yakima, Washington Wesleyan Church.

Emory attended our church a while before starting one of his own. He was what the former pastor would call "a jack-leg preacher". (I do not know what the term means either, but you can ask Brother E. E. Meeks, and I do not think it was too positive!) He found it hard to take instructions, or even suggestions, from his pastor or anyone else. He thought his way was best (as this story will prove).

About the time I landed in Yakima, the Saturday evening church page informed us that Reverend Hemphill was "retiring" and heading back to Indiana. Quite unusual for a preacher in his thirties.

Pastor Ed Meeks tells of one of Emory's moving experiences (if not this one, another). Ed and his older brother, Bob, was helping Emory load his family's good on a top carrier, supported only by four, narrow, corded strips hooked to the car's roof channels.

Repeatedly one or both brothers warned Emory "that maybe he had on enough." His self-confident reply was that it would take a lot more, and kept stacking household goods higher and higher.

When he had 3 and a half to four feet of stuff on the carrier, he carefully tarped and lashed it with ropes, and then said, "Hop in boys, and let's try her out!".Warily Ed and Bob crawled in.

Emory headed down Third Avenue towards downtown cautiously increasing speed. All seemed to be well, so he bumped it up to faster speeds gaining confidence right along.

By that time they were nearly in the very center of downtown Yakima, and both boys allowed themselves to relax a bit. As they approached First and Yakima Avenues (the exact center of downtown Yakima), and without warning Emory says, "Let's see how she holds in a stop", and slams on the brakes. Those light straps snapped like string, and all that top carrier load slip off the roof, off from the hood, and all over the busiest intersection of Yakima!

It was one of those times when you could wish yourself invisible, but there was nothing to do but help this foolish preacher pick up all of his "stuff" and stuff it somewhere in the car.

I do not know what happened to Emory, but I hope he stayed "retired"!

Yuks from Yakima: Bathroom Brouhaha

Note: This is the second of a four-part series of true, church-related humor. These are true, unembellished stories that occurred while we were pastoring the Yakima, Washington Wesleyan Church.

It was Sunday morning and the service was just beginning with hearty singing and a good spirit.

Emmett Cameron was just introducing the third hymn when Grandma Harmon quietly slipped out of her usual pew and headed for the back of the church.

We all knew what that meant since the only two avenues to the restrooms were either through a door off from the platform, or out the front doors and around to the side for an outside entrance. Few traipsed across the platform in full view of everyone unless the weather outside was really raw.

Between verses of the song I could hear a hammering and a pounding coming through the closed platform door. I correctly guessed that only Brother Cameron and I could hear the racket (and I was not sure about him), so - after catching his eye - I arose and quietly went through the door.

From that point, Emmett, our excellent song leader, was on his own, and got the workout of his life - somewhat of a mix of an unscheduled concert and a marathon. He chose, and led, song after song while I worked to rescue Grandma Harmon from the ladies restroom.

Some of you have seen those old door with two little brass buttons just below the lock. Grandma saw them, and - of course - pushed one - the one that locked the door.

So here we were, pastor and Grandma Harmon, trying to communicate through the locked door while the congregation sallied forth with copious praises in song. She tried every suggestion I gave her, but only became more and more frustrated.

I finally told her that we would have to removed the door from its hinges, but that I would have to go over to the parsonage and get some tools and a ladder, and pass them through the outside window to her. Obviously, this all took some time, and the small window was the kind that remained just partially open to keep it from breaking or hurting someone. She just could not get the hang of how to take the window out, even with my instructions, so here I was, suited preacher on a step ladder, looking in to the ladies restroom and holding conversation with someone there.

After getting a hammer and screwdriver to her from a half opened window, it was then a matter of giving her much encouragement on how to get the pins from the two hinges lavished with a few coats of paint! She would say that she couldn't do it, and I would say that she could... and all the while Emmett was bravely carrying on in the sanctuary with a couple of dozen songs... to the accompaniment of muted voices from the bathroom, mingled with hammer and screwdriver sounds.

Finally...success! and I re-entered the platform door to the eminent relief of Emmett, and, sure enough, after a bit Grandma came in the back door, sat down, and we both acted like it was something we did each service!

Yuks from Yakima: Lost in the Outhouse

Note: This is the first of a four-part series of true, church-related humor. These are true, unembellished stories that occurred while we were pastoring the Yakima, Washington Wesleyan Church.

It was time to make a pastoral call on two of "the colorful" in our congregation - Bernath and Malcom - (that is how they insisted we address them), who were retired, maiden-lady schoolteachers. To describe their frugal lifestyle as "tighter than the bark on a tree" would probably be an understatement. This true story will persuade you, I think.

I saw one of their cars in the driveway, but could not rouse anyone in the house, so I went around to the back where you could generally find them in the garden or flowers calling, "Bernath! Malcom! Anyone home?" Way off in the distance (I thought) I heard a muffled voice saying, "Over here! Help me! I can't get out!"

When I determined the source of the voice, it was coming from an old outhouse at the very back of the garden. As I approached, identifying myself, Malcolm (by then I knew which woman it was) kept yelling, "I need help. I can't get out by myself".

How would you feel and act in such a dilemma? A suited preacher going to an outhouse to rescue a very vocal damsel in distress?

The door was standing open, and as I came in view of the inside, all I could see was the top of Malcom's head sticking up from where the seat boards had been, and her blouse carefully laid on the ripped up boards.

"Well", she said, "Come and pull me out." Just like we did this every day before breakfast. "I'm just in my bra," she said. "I didn't want to get my blouse dirty. Here, take this screwdriver", she said triumphantly. "I lost the fiddling thing down the hole, and wasn't about to leave it there".

After pulling her out, and telling her that I would come back when Bernath was there too, I expeditously left, not offering to help her on with her blouse.

No Baby's Cry (Part 3 of 3 parts)

When Jesus left the church and stated that He would be taking "a far journey", He never told us how far, or for how long. We are still looking and waiting for His return nearly two thousand years later.

In view of this long waiting period, anyone can imagine the strain this would place upon the duty of watchfulness. It would become natural to become disbelieving and disenchanted and disillusioned. The longer the time lapse, the easier it would be to discount the possibility of any return at all, and the harder it would be to maintain a state of alertness. It seems accurate to state that, from this conclusion alone, that is, the long time span of Jesus' absence, the church would have disbanded and disintegrated long ago if there were not something living and vital in the Christian faith!

Something unearthly beats in the breasts of the saints. Something active fills their minds. Something as new and fresh as the morning sun brings hope and assurance. An inner voice softly repeats, "He is coming back...and it may be today." Watching for His imminent return in no way turns on a nearly 2,000 year promise alone. It rests upon a hope as fresh as a new breath of air. It results from a confidence as new as each sunrise. It stands upon a living conviction that throbs and pulsates with every exposure to its truth.

Active watchfulness without this repletion, this recurring infusion of advent vitality, would be an utter impossibility. The point is that any time the church hears the voice of the Holy Spirit, He speaks of Jesus' soon return. So the saints of 2009 are not predicating their state of alertness on 2,000 year old information alone. Every time we tune in to heaven's throne room, the message and atmosphere is that "He is coming back...and soon!"

Somebody suggested that when Jesus does come from heaven with a shout (SEE 1 Thessalonians 4:16) that His shout would be just one word..."ENOUGH!" This is just one person's speculation, but it is worth our consideration. "Enough" heartache, pain and sorrow. "Enough" broken things: broken hearts and broken homes and broken marriages. "Enough" rejection and lonliness. "Enough" deception and lying and false accusations. "Enough" temptation. "Enough" crying and misery. "Enough" misunderstandings. "Enough" disappointments and broken dreams. "Enough" discouragement. "Enough" sickness and suffering and death.

"Even so, Come, Lord Jesus!"

No Baby's Cry (Part 2 of 3 parts)

Every believer wants to go out of this world with the church when Jesus returns for His Own. We do not want to be left behind. We cannot bear to think that we could come home from work or shopping some day to a forever eerily, empty house. It scares us half to death to think that we could awaken some morning and never again see the face(s) of a loved one(s). It nearly stops our hearts to think that we would never again hear the words, "Daddy" or "Mommy", or "Grandpa" or "Grandma".

Do not think for a single second that I am just playing on your emotions, dear reader. I cannot possibly or adequately describe the horror of a world without a baby's cry; or that loss of a familiar, sudden smile; or the stark absence of eyes seeing us in loving recognition. There simply are no adjective embellishments to describe a world without a telephone call transmitting that familiar voice; that one more pleading prayer; just one more gospel message...and "Please God!...one more call of the Holy Spirit!" But it is all coming... and each one will be there who is not ready now!

It seems that I can hear it all now. "Preacher, if I miss it, I'll drop to my knees right where I am - regardless of where or when - and beg God to save me then and there. I do not care where I am or who is around, I will pray through no matter what!" No, you wouldn't, and no, you won't.

I have heard a few preachers make the statement that the greatest revival the world has ever known will occur right after the church is raptured out and people realize that they have missed it. There are at least three BIG reasons why I do not agree, even though, in the saying, I would be forever grateful if I am mistaken.

First, there is absolutely no biblical proof of that happening. The reason that such a view arises is that all of us desperately want to believe it. We want to hold out some hope for unsaved loved ones and friends.

The second reason is that every credible Bible scholar I know about believes that the Holy Spirit will leave this world with the church. If we cannot find it within ourselves to do what it takes to say "yes" to God and obey God, and walk with God, when faithful preachers repeatedly warn us, and faithful believers weep and intercede for us, and the Holy Spirit consistently convicts us and talks to us, what gives us any hope of getting to God with all of that gone?

The third reason why there will be no great turning to God immediately following the rapture is that if that would do it, the sooner God would allow it to occur, the more would be saved. Every day, persons in a lukewarm, backslidden condition are dying and slipping into Hell. If, because of the rapture occurring, millions would get right with God immediately following, the sooner, the better.

(Concluded next week)

No Baby's Cry (Part 1 of 3 parts)

It is hard to imagine a world without a baby's cry, but when Jesus Christ returns for His church, all babies and children within the age of innocency will be caught out with the believers.

Christians of the year 2009 live in the twilight of the church age, and in the barely perceptible dawning of the raptured church. We are threshold saints, and the very mention of the term should send a shiver through our nervous systems. We have one foot in the church era, and the other nearly with the Savior.

At any time our heart rhythms could change from earthly to heavenly, and our breathing from temporal to ethereal. At any time our eyes could be viewing angels instead of coworkers and family members, and streets of gold in place of concrete and asphalt, and the joyous countenances of the relaxed and redeemed rather than the strained and stressed-out crush of super market shoppers.

In these very days our ears could begin hearing the opening crecendo of the Lamb's song as the redeemed pick up the unrehearsed notes and lyrics of the refrain written before the foundation of the earth. Momentarily we could be standing before Him, looking upon Him in wonder, warmth, and peace.

Are you ready for it? Are you ready, men and women, children and young men and young women? Not only should we be ready now to stand before Him...but are we ready to hand in our homework? That is, ready to stand inspection and judgment?

The entire context and environment of Jesus' words "Therefore be ye also ready" in Matthew 24:44 bristles and expands as He quietly, but fearfully, warns His disciples. No person who ever lived...no preacher who ever poured out his soul...was more poignantly specific about the possibility of being left behind at the moment of Jesus' second coming than He was by this statement.

Christians who would not dream of being unprepared for a house fire, or a hospitalization, or a collision, or a windstorm, or a layoff, or a disability or retirement, will daily, and weekly and monthly fail to maintain their readiness for Jesus' soon return.

(Continued next week)

When It Storms

Any time a Christian's peace is gone, it is of the devil. Oh, how well I know that most of us have been taught not to blame the devil...but the fact is that it is he who is behind the disruption & absence of peace.

We live in a world of conflict, confusion, upset, anger, disagreements and offenses. We cannot avoid these unpleasant, and at times, destructive and painful experiences - as hard as we try, and as much as we hate them!

Things can be going along "normally" (that means they are favorable and pleasant), and almost without warning or cause, we are in the midst of upheaval - at home, at work, at school or at church.

As mentioned, we have to conclude that such "clashes" are most frequently unavoidable, for most of the time - even with the benefit of hindsight - we wonder how in the world it happened? Oh, there are reasons, but not anywhere near the level of the resultant hurt, distress and separation.

This stuff is from the devil! It is not of God, and most often not even "our fault" - again to the level of such great harm and pain. Behind great conflicts and offenses is a dirty devil who gets his jollies from upseting the saints, and he delights in "helping" us maintain huge quanities of guilt and blame for days at a time.

Ephesians 6:12 maintains that: "we wrestle not against flesh and blood" (but against Satan's powers).

In John 14:27 our Lord specifically promised to His followers that: "My peace I give unto you, and not the peace of the world".

He continues in John 16:33, "These things have I spoken unto you that in Me you might have peace. In the world you shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world".

Here are two certainties. One, we cannot escape tribulation because we are earthlings. We cannot avoid; we cannot anticipate; we cannot walk close enough to the Lord; we cannot stay in the Word or pray enough; we cannot try hard enough; to eliminate conflicts, misunderstandings, disagreements and the pain that accompanies them.

What we can do is, two, be mature enough to know that the devil is actively fostering all of them. We can pray for grace and patience. We can apologize and ask forgiveness. We can stay tender and humble. And we can refuse to affix blame...to ourselves or to others. We grow up in grace when we place the lion's share of the blame right where it belongs!